Tuesday, April 20, 2010

In Search of a Hot Monster*: The Boys of London

christopher_lee_big Christopher Lee as hot monster Dracula in a Hammer Studio film, late 1950’s-1970’s


My friend who has lived in London the last 20+ years has always claimed that the boys of London were hotter than the boys of New York City.  My travel companion A____ who spent a semester abroad in England during college concurred with this conclusion.  I, on the other hand, was still undecided, so I set out while in London to conduct an experiment to see if the lads there were truly the hotter monsters.  To facilitate my experiment, I bought a digital counter to keep track of “hits” and logged daily tallies on my pad.

Now, of course, this experiment is entirely subjective and barely scientific.  Whom I find a hot monster may differ greatly from your own opinion.  And for the sake of accuracy, I guess I should define what a hot monster is to me.  A hot monster is neither a guy with model looks and a perfect body nor is he someone who appears cute at 3:40am in a darkened nightclub.  Rather a hot monster is an individual whom I find visually appealing and somehow intriguing either in manner or dress; he has to have a look.  I’d like to have a chat with him a perhaps have a kiss and if the vibe is right an indeterminate period of nakedness.

The Results


The total number of hot monsters I saw in London was 68 over a 12 day period.  That averages out to 5.87 hot monsters per day.  Here is a rudimentary graph that breaks down that number by day:


What it tells us, I don’t know except sightings were pretty steady with a sharp spike on 2 April.  What follows is a log of each day according to where I was in London and what I was doing, some detailing memorable highlights.

Saturday 27 March 2010…Total: 1

Activities and locations:  Newark Airport, Virgin Atlantic Flight to Heathrow, London, Taxi to West Hampstead, Overnight stay at the Charlotte Guest House.

Originally, this day wasn’t going to be part of my experiment, but I happened to sit next to a cute Englishman with icy blue eyes on the plane.  Read about him here. 

So, before even arriving in London, I already had one guy in the kitty.  There of course were other attractive guys on the plane; it was not an ugly flight, but as for their nationality I did not know so they could not be counted.

Sunday 28 March 2010…Total: 4


Activities and Locations:  Lunch at La Smorfia in West Hampstead, Underground to Waterloo Station, Train to Bedford.

Our waiter at La Smorfia was quite fetching, but he was Italian and not British, so for the sake of accuracy and experimental integrity I did not count him.

Monday 29 March 2010…Total: 6


Activities and Locations:  Underground, The Tower of London, St. Paul’s Cathedral.

Three of the six for this day’s total were soldiers at The Tower of London, the most notable of which was Private Hot Ginge.  Read about him here.  The last sighting was near St. Paul’s Cathedral which made sense as that boy was pretty close to heaven.

P1000484  .

Tuesday 30 March 2010…Total: 4


Activities and Locations:  Underground, Train to Salisbury, Salisbury Cathedral, Mompesson House, Stonehenge.

This day is the only day when the majority of my time was spent outside of London.  The 4 sightings occurred on the Underground on the way to get the train to Salisbury at Waterloo Station.

Wednesday 31 March 2010…Total: 4


 Activities and Locations:  Underground, Victoria Station, Dulwich Picture Gallery, The London Silver Vaults, Ye Olde Mitre Pub, Italian restaurant.

One of the last sightings of the day was at an Italian restaurant whose name escapes me.  He was having what appeared to be a first date with another man.  Very cute, very nervous, very adorable.

Thursday 1 April 2010…Total: 5


Activities and Locations:  Underground, Fashion and Textile Museum, Gray’s Antique Market, Tea at The Wallace Collection, Shopping at Top Man.

The last sighting of the day occurred in Top Man, a shop really meant for skinny 21 year olds, but I managed to find a great cotton check scarf and a fabulous and stylish olive green canvas tote for spring.

The sighting was a cute guy in his early 30’s with facial scruff, not skinny, who was checking out the Top Man underwear which was all pretty much brightly, almost neon colored, featured cartoon characters and seemed only appropriate for an 8 year old.  I watched as he perused the underwear, looking a bit unsure as to whether he could at say 32 pull off/rock a Garanimals look.  Luckily, he moved on apparently deciding that sporting this underwear in an intimate moment might convey the wrong message.

Friday 2 April 2010…Total: 18


Activities and Locations:  Double decker bus, Underground, Victoria and Albert Museum, The Wallace Collection, Exhibition of Lady Jane Grey at the National Gallery, Le Pain Quotidien under the Arches.

This day represented the highest daily total (18) of the entire trip.  The hot monsters were mainly seen on the Underground, although the last sighting of the day was at Le Pain Quotidien under The Arches where there was a hipster waiter with adorable shaggy hair.

Saturday 3 April 2010…Total: 7


Activities and Locations:  Train to Gunnersbury, Portobello Road, Duckie Night Club.

The majority of sightings for this day (4) occurred at Duckie, a queer pub night in Vauxhall hosted and organized by Amy Lamé, an enterprising gal from Chatham, New Jersey who has been running this party for 10+ years.  The music was quite good:  The Cure, La Roux, The Smiths, David Bowie, The Gossip.  The boys were generally attractive (4 in particular) and had facial hair from scruff to beards which seemed to be a general rule.

Near closing, a guy who had been eyeing me all night came up to me and silently hugged me.  Odd.  Kind of a vulnerable come on, but really why not just say hello?  My friend thought it was sweet, but I found it strange and a bit last minute, closing time desperate.  It was nice though to be someone’s object of desire after a long period on the shelf.

Sunday 4 April 2010…Total: 1


Activities and Locations:  Boston Manor House, Chiswick Auction Preview, The Duke of  Sussex Pub in Chiswick.

Slim pickins’ today.  The only sighting was a completely hot waiter/barman at the Duke of Sussex pub in Chiswick.  He really should have been counted 3 times, but for the sake of the experiment’s integrity, he could only be counted once.

Monday 5 April 2010…Total: 6


Activities and Locations:  Petersham Nurseries for lunch, Kingston Antique Center, Jack the Ripper Tour in the East End, Underground.

Cute, but nothing extraordinary.

Tuesday 6 April 2010…Total: 6


Activities and Locations:  Train to Waterloo Station, Courtauld Galleries, Lunch at Courtauld, Victoria Embankment.

Cute, but nothing extraordinary.

Wednesday 7 April 2010…Total: 7


Activities and Locations:  Walk around Brentford, Heathrow Airport, Virgin Atlantic Flight to Newark Airport, New Jersey.

Six of the seven sightings occurred at Heathrow on my way home.  The seventh sighting was on board my flight home where there was a smokin’ English steward.  Anyone, I think, would take the risk to join the Mile High Club with this hot monster.



What this experiment demonstrates is really up to you.  I’m not a scientist.  Whether 68 is a significant sociological number or just an indication of my suppressed libido who knows?  A similar experiment conducted in New York City would perhaps give my results of 68 for London more meaning or context or maybe not.  Anyway, I have started counting hot monsters in the City.  I started counting on Sunday 18 April 2010 and will continue the tally for the next 12 days.  I would say at this moment that the London lads have a slight edge in style and sartorial splendor if not in numbers compared to their New York counterparts.

What is your opinion?  Are all the hot monsters or at least the majority in London, New York City or somewhere else?  Do your own experiment and share the results.

*The term “Hot Monster” created by my friend MarilynUpdate:  Marilyn has informed me that the term is from Young Frankenstein.  How did I forget that?  So, let’s just say Marilyn popularized the term in everyday culture.


  1. Kelly, this is delightful & I can hardly wait for your NYC findings! Statistics & a graph (with subliminal messaging)--you are too much. A clever lad, indeed.

  2. Look at you, bringing science to the masses! Cracking post.

    I think it's the sense of humour, the self-deprecation and the individualism; everything I ever loved in English indie music is what I appreciate in a certain sort of English gentleman. (Not all of them, mind. Despite what you may have heard.)

  3. Thanks Robert. Who knew science could be so much fun.

    Best, Kelly

  4. Thank you punctured bicycle for your comment. I think your point about the music is apt. The music scene in the UK with its diversity etc. allows for a greater individual style that I think surpasses the blokes in NYC.

    Do you have any thoughts on NYC lads?

    Best, Kelly

  5. OMG, this is hysterical. I'd love to take credit, but really, it belongs to Mel Brooks & Young Frankenstein. LOL.

  6. Ooops! Well, let's say you popularized it and made it what it is today.

    Best, Kelly

  7. my hot mobsters are Paul NewmN, Richard Gere. Antonio Bandaras

  8. AND Jimmy Smits and Denzel Washington!!!