Recently, a same-sex marriage bill was passed and signed into law in New York. It is a tremendous historical moment for non-heterosexuals and I thank everyone who worked so very hard for many years to ensure its passage. And it is fitting that this law was enacted a day before the Gay Pride Parade here in New York City.
Growing up in the 70’s and 80’s, it never occurred to me that non-heterosexuals such as myself would one day be able to marry in a legal sense. Non-heterosexual visibility in my suburban world at the time was relegated to the very negative or to camp- Paul Lynn on Hollywood Squares or Billy Crystal on Soap. Not that this visibility really bothered me in my closet which was bursting with spectacular and unashamed desire. I found ways to express and solidify my queerness and accepted this fact within myself and then reconciled it with the world both heterosexual and non-heterosexual when I was 18.
In other posts on The Great Within, I have often compared myself to Miss Havisham still wearing her wedding dress amidst the cobwebs. Marriage equality in New York does nothing to alter that feeling. When I learned this law was passed, I was both happy and full of regret and sadness.
My Miss Havisham will probably never walk down the aisle. Even dating for me has been enduring a long drought, mainly because I don’t feel very attractive or desirable; my age and body make me feel invisible too.
This state of being bothers me at times, but mostly it feels strangely right.